Drained

D:

It's Wednesday night.
I am feeling overall not so great. Actually, I feel like crap, and I am stuck in Crapton, a suburb of Craptown, a city in Crapland, capital of Crap Country.

I feel like I have been really good about letting things roll off my back, and just getting in the mindset that things will be shakey here for a little while, I just need to get into a comfortable flow and everything will eventually be good, but right now I just have this immense feeling that I want to be with my family, and I want a hug. All I want is a hug.

All I want is someone to help me take care of my life here, rather than me take care of everything. I am just not used to so much responsibility and things to think about, and so, so much that I have to let roll of my back.

“That’s alright, I didn’t have housing at first and I didn’t know if I had a place to sleep my first night here, but now it’s ok.”
“That’s alright, I don’t have sheets for now, it’s ok to sleep under my jackets one night.”
“That’s alright, just a few of my strawberries were taken, it probably won’t happen again if I label everything.”
“That’s alright, the bathroom light doesn’t work, so after 5:30 pm it is complete darkness in the bathroom. And it’s ok that there is no heat in there and they leave the windows open, I only have to be in there when I take showers or have to use the restroom.”
“Well, someone at the rest of my yogurt, but that’s alright, I guess I will just have to buy more and label it … better…”
“That’s alright, Monika left to live at a different, nicer student housing building… I will be okay on my own here, I can handle it…”

Some of these things are really getting to me.

So here’s the story. Monika left earlier today to go live in RMIT Village, a student housing building, like UniLodge, except you get your own kitchen and bathroom, the heating works, and you get a balcony and pool. And it’s for about the same price. When Monika was first talking about how much she liked it there compared to here, I thought, well, I should stick it out, because I have to face adversity and be strong and grateful for the situation I’m in, because I could have much worse. So I put that out of my head that I would ever move out of UniLodge. But now that Monika has moved out, and pretty easily, at that, I feel like maybe I should aim for something better.

Olivia, who lives on campus at Queen’s College, told me that there are rooms open in her college since some students dropped out because they didn’t pass or moved off-campus, or something like that. If I lived on campus, I wouldn’t have to cook for myself, I would actually get to know the people I live with, and I would be a part of the school’s community. I feel like this would take a lot of financial work, like moving the money wired to UniLodge to Queen’s, where Oxy would have to send more money because it is more expensive to live on campus than here, and also sending back the stipend Oxy sent me for food (since I don’t have a meal plan), etc.

I really want to do it though. I have emailed Oxy about my idea, and I emailed Queen’s about wanting to move there, and that I would apply if need be, and anything else they would need me to do. I just have to figure out if I can get out of the contract here at UniLodge.

I want to move to Queen’s soooooo badly. I feel extremely alone here. If I moved to Queen’s, I would know someone really well already, Olivia, and I would get to know Australian students. In on campus housing, they really emphasize community and have an open door policy, and while I was hanging out at Queen’s with Olivia, everyone would hang out in the hallways, playing cards and talking, and they are always really friendly and interested in you. Absolutely no one does that here. And at Queen’s, you get a fridge in your room, and internet comes with your room, and access to a network with shared movies and tv. I mean, that’s all sort of extra. I just want to have friends where I live.

I think what sent me over the edge and into the “I need to move out of here” mode was that someone at my yogurt and that Monika moved out. With the yogurt, I just thought, no one has respect for my personal stuff and I really feel like I can’t trust people here with my stuff. And with Monika leaving, I just remember I couldn’t process it right away. I was leaving for class when I saw her with all her stuff packed up. Then in class, I didn’t think about it all. Then I came back from class and got in the shower, and that’s when I realized that, while I was truly happy for her, I was extremely sad for me, and I just broke down. I don’t want to be alone in a place like this.

I know I can’t get my hopes up too much, because I might not be able to move out of here, but I am setting my mind to trying everything possible to get into one of the rooms at Queen’s. I also feel bad that I bought all these things for this kind of living, like a heater and cooking utensils and groceries, and I wouldn’t need them if I were in Queen’s. I just hope that I will get support from Oxy and Queen’s and from you guys, so that I can try my best to get out of this contract and move out of here.

I got some advice from Monika on how she moved out. She said she bothered them a lot, and stressed that she would do anything to move out, and luckily there was someone looking for a room her size, and they told her if she can move out that day, they would end the contract. So she did that. And another girl before her said she made up a list of all the things that were unsatisfactory at UniLodge and made them see that she felt she shouldn’t be paying for such unsatisfactory living arrangements, so they let her leave.

I would probably have to pay for the couple of weeks I have been here, though. I think that’s alright, though. I believe that, because we have to pay full Oxy tuition for one semester, paying all these things should be fine with them, because tuition at the university is actually about $15,000 a year, or something like that, so there is a huge difference in what we are paying Oxy and what is actually going to the university. So more expensive housing on campus should be fine. I wonder if I am making any sense right now. I am not good at figuring out finances or anything, I just know that Olivia said that Oxy is paying for her housing because we have to pay full tuition at Oxy, which is a whole lot more than tuition here.

Anyway, I hope to get full support from Oxy/maybe have them talk to the UniLodge people in case they don’t let me leave by just me asking, and I hope Queen’s wants another American student to fill an empty room, and I hope I can move out of here asap and have everything work out. There’s no harm in trying, right? If I am very unsatisfied with something, which I totally am, I should see if I can change it, right? Anyway, I am going to make a game plan for tomorrow, so I can use my time in between classes to talk to housing people and figure out payments, etc.

So please do give me any feedback if you have any advice! I love getting comments. Oh, and I hope you guys liked the pictures! I will keep posting! I really, really hope this works out! Sending all my love! I miss everyone so much! Xoxoxo!