The Themesong for This Post is "Knock 'Em Out" by Lily Allen

Ughhhhhhhh

Well, now that I have the ability to look back on it, my first Aussie kiss really wasn’t up to par.

There were many things that really bothered me about this guy in the first place. His name is Cody, by the way. Would it be awful if I made a list? There were SO many things that really should have made me laugh in his face and walk away, and yet I didn’t. I think it was that I pitied him. Oof. Alright screw it, I’m makin’ the list. I don’t want to leave anything out.

It shall be entitled “What Cody Did Wrong”:
1. Forgot my name. !!!
2. Told me “things about me that I never knew about myself”
3. Thought he could read my palm.
4. COULDN’T. DANCE.
5. Told me my hug was a “B+”
6. Did the sensitive guy act, saying things other guys do are so demeaning and terrible.
7. Said he was “19 and three quarters”
8. Continued to kiss me even though I told him I don’t kiss guys in such public settings.
9. Wasn’t a good kisser.

OUCH, Cody, you didn’t score so well. Looking at this now, I kind of hate this guy. He was trying sooooooooo hard! I think it might be that he’s bad at picking up girls, so he tried using every move he knows, and very consciously at that, not so smooth. At one point, he was SOOOOO condescending. I mean it might have come off that way because he was drunk or something, but really. He asked me tell him what I always wanted to do, like what I wanted to do when I grow up, and I didn’t really have an answer so I answered honestly that I just want to be happy. And then he goes into this whooole shpeal about how it really doesn’t matter what you do in your life, as long as you are happy, you don’t need a big house or expensive things, just as long as you're happy, because that’s all that matters. I was like. …

Are you serious? Yeah, I know that, thank you third grade teacher, I’ll just get back to my coloring book now.

I think I didn’t totally walk away from him right at that moment because I am bad at not liking people. I just generally like everyone! And I never hate people. It’s, like, impossible for me. So I’ll just lay it down how it went now.

I went to Turf with Olivia at around 8:30 to get $1 champagne, because it only lasts until 10, and then we met up with Cassie, from UniLodge, and Monika, yay! That was good because I wanted to talk to Monika about travel plans so we got to kind of figure that out.

And the night went on, nothing really exceptional happened, and I was kind of getting bored. I met this one guy from Queens that I had never met before, but was a COMPLETE PRICK. I think he legitimately enjoyed making me angry at him, because he kept making all these insulting jokes about me being blonde, or American, or my IQ (I have never taken an IQ test!!! You can’t insult someone’s IQ unless you know it, genius!!!) Then he used this lame line to explain his awful behavior that he was the perfect wingman and he made his friend look like a saint compared to how he was behaving. FALSE. His friend also looked like a prick because he was just standing there, not saying anything, laughing along to the jokes. Oscar was Mr. Big Prick and Josh was his little prick minion, I found out. I am actually friends with Josh on facebook, he randomly friended me a while ago. I actually remember insulting Oscar pretty wittily, very Veronica Mars, but I can’t remember what I said! Damn, should have written it down.

So yeah, that was the most exciting point of the night up until Cody came along. And oh, how Cody came along.

I remember Olivia, Monika, and I were standing in the outside area out back, sort of just hanging out, deciding if we wanted to leave, and then one guy starts talking to Olivia and then Cody swoops in and starts talking to me and Monika. I still can’t tell if it was originally a wingman move so his friend could talk to Olivia or something, but he was suddenly in our faces.

And I am always nice when I first meet people, I don’t automatically think guys who talk to me at bars are the scourge of the earth or anything, so I was fine talking to Cody. But that’s when he started reading our palms.

…

Really. I’m serious. He picks up Monika’s hand and says some completely generic stuff that could be true about anyone and then does the same to me. He did this like, twice more in the night. I could not believe it. And I think he thought we bought it! Maybe Monika did but I was totally like, you, sir, are full of shit.
Then he did this thing where he said “I’m going to ask you four questions, and then I will be able to tell you four things you never knew about yourself.” I was like, no you won’t. But I was kind of bored, and this was getting entertaining, so Monika and I went along. He said some random things, made us close our eyes a couple times to imagine we were in a white room or some crap like that, and then told us some more generic stuff that means nothing.
I had never heard of the “I am psychic” pick-up line, but alright, this was new and … creative? Emphasis on the question mark.

And the whole time he was doing this, he had his arms around me and Monika, one of us on either of him, because he was “cold”. Psch, yeah, sure. And then he said he wanted hugs, and he would give us a grade on them. Another really smooth excuse. Then he gave me a B+. A B+ HUG. ARE YOU JOKING. My hugs are not B+ material. RAAWWWRRRR how dare you insult my hugs in such a way?!?

Then, blah blah blah, talking, blah, blah, then WHOA KISS. It was quite sudden. Gave me a jolt. I think I looked at him after that like, why… wha- … who are you again? And I politely told him I didn’t kiss guys in bars, and so he said, oh that’s good, and goes on to kiss me again. They were just pecks, nothing creepy, but it was like, seriously dude, do you listen to anything I say? And you know, the whole time he was doing his fake psychic crap, I was rolling my eyes, and not saying anything. Monika was actually paying attention and laughing, I was only laughing at him. I don’t think he understood, poor thing.

But then once Cody started bein’ all up on me, unleashing surprise kisses on me, Monika walked away! I was like nooooooooo! And Olivia had walked off a while earlier. At that point I was like, well, I guess I gotta hang with this guy for a while then. … Yippeeeee.

Then Cody asked me to dance, oh, no wait, he asked me to dance and then said, “do you know how to dance?” I was like YOU KNOW NOTHING OF MEEEEE but instead I said “YES I know how to dance.” But I explained I danced like an American, but he was like, “oh yeah I know the style, let’s go!” and off we went.

...No, Cody, you don’t know the style. I don’t think you even dance well for an Australian. I don’t like how Australians dance in general, but he was trying to impress me by pretending to know how to grind or spin me. The thing was, he didn’t know how to grind or spin me. He couldn’t dance to the rhythm! It was awful!!! No sense of rhythm whatsoever. I was soooo embarrassed too, because we were on the edge of the dance floor near the bar, so the people at the bar could watch us. Not cute. I’m sure everyone there could tell I wasn’t into him.
And then he started kissing me again! And I was like, okay dude, I know you are super into me right now because you keep trying too hard to impress me, but really all I want you to do is stop kissing me when I blatantly tell you I don’t kiss guys in bars. LISTEN. Sheesh.
And then I was just sick of dancing, mostly because I was dancing with him, so we went and sat at a table and I texted Olivia, hoping she could come save me or I could go look for her. Thankfully, Olivia soon walked in and said she and Cassie were leaving (actually the bar was closing, it was 1:30!!! That is so early!) and they had a ride, so I was like “I’M COMING!!” and I told Cody I had to get my jacket and leave, so he followed me to get my jacket and walked me out, gave me a goodnight kiss and said he’d call me (I gave him my phone number… oh noooo) and I ran off into the car and said “PUNCH IT, DRIVER!!!” I didn’t really say that, but the less frantic equivalent.

Oh, this was funny. He texted me later in the night saying “got home ok? I loved your style and hugs. Have a good sleep.” … alright, rando. I texted back saying just like goodnight, and then he texted me again (some people just don’t get it when I text conversation is over) “I have to go to bed now. I will call you Thursday.” Oh noooo! Don’t call, don’t call! I didn’t respond to that one. I might just not pick up on Thursday. Oops!

And that is the Cody Saga. Like the Twilight Saga, a complete trainwreck.